Can Solo Travel Improve Your Romantic Relationship?
Just last month, my best friend Tessa called me in hysterics. She was sobbing over the fact that her seven year relationship was on the brink of breakup. “I just don’t understand,” Tessa stammered through tears. “I do everything for Adam. I cook his favorite meals, I wash his socks, and I lavish him with affection. Not a day goes by when I don’t send him a good morning text…” Sniffling, she added, “I’m doing everything I can to make this relationship work. I take him on fancy dinner dates, and I even suffer through watching all his snooze-worthy sports games. I’ve signed us up for couples’ counseling… I just don’t understand what’s missing!”
But I knew exactly what was missing. I could smell it a mile away. And the biggest issue going on, was that my best friend had staked out all of her purpose, drive, and happiness on her romantic relationship. She was no longer the free-spirited independent chick I once knew, the one who’d dance on a dive bar’s pool table, and cannonball naked into starlit lakes to go skinny dipping on a midsummer night.
She’d slipped into this role as Adam’s Girlfriend and worn that label like a badge of honor. She seemed a shell of her former self.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I adore Tessa. She’s kind, giving, brilliant and she’s the type of woman who stops traffic due to her fine looks. I mean it when I say, Tessa straight up looks like a runway model. If you look up gorgeous in the dictionary, you’ll find Tessa — her chiseled, acne-free face.
But despite her overwhelming beauty — and the fact that any guy would sell their soul to be with her — it makes perfect sense why Adam hasn’t been as interested as he was in the beginning. When he’d fallen for Tessa, she was a fiercely independent world-traveler who never relied on anyone — let alone a man.
Adam was captivated by that version of Tessa, the one with an insatiable lust for adventure, and the most daring sparkle in her eye. Seven years later, and that daring sparkle has transformed into a lovelorn look reserved for individuals who cannot properly function without their romantic partner by their side. Right in front of my eyes, I watched Tessa go from adventurous badass who had men on a metaphorical leash, to becoming a whimpering lap dog herself.
All Adam had to do was give the tiniest tug of the leash, and she’d follow him wherever he went. And to be completely honest, this dynamic broke my heart. I was devastated by the fact that my best friend had lost the ability to find joy and excitement beyond her romantic relationship.
She used to send me long-winded texts about her wild solo adventures from all around the globe, along with hilarious descriptions of the fascinating characters she’d meet during her travels. I used to admire her wanderlust, and the fact that nothing and no one ever held her back…. That is, of course, until she met Adam.
“I think you guys just need to take some space,” I gently suggested. “You know, do all the things that made you fulfilled before you met Adam. Remember how passionate you used to be about traveling? You were constantly sending me snapchats while casually riding an elephant in India, or watching the magical Northern Lights in Alaska. Now, more than ever, you need to explore and recapture your passions outside of your current relationship.”
Tessa knew I was right. She knew she’d abandoned the fearless girl she’d once been, in exchange for her little love nest. “I’d do anything to regain my old sense of self,” she admitted, her voice now sobering. “Anything to regain my independence.”
“But make sure you’re doing it for you,” I insisted. “Not just for the sake of strengthening your relationship.”
“No, I know,” she insisted. “Believe me, I know.”
So with that, we came up with a plan: Tessa would spend way more time nurturing her solo passions. Whether it be visiting museums, painting water colors, or traveling to Brazil on a whim, Tessa promised she’d get back to her cherished passions that have nothing to do with Adam. Hell, she even booked a ticket for Rio in March! (Adam is not invited.)
Although being involved in a romantic relationship can be a beautiful thing, it’s essential that you maintain your sense of character and identity. So while you have every right to indulge in your relationship, just make sure it’s not totally engulfing your time and energy. In other words, don’t let it consume you.
The best way to avoid losing yourself in your relationship is to continue to do what you love without your partner’s involvement. Take some time to get to know yourself again. Whether that’s through solo traveling, reading books, playing your guitar, taking an awe walk in nature, you’ll be more compelling to your partner when you’re a more independent, multi-faceted person. More importantly, you’ll rediscover how to love yourself again as an independent individual who truly doesn’t need anyone to show her what her worth is.
Ready to find yourself again? If so, go ahead and book that plane ticket. One passenger only. Sure, it will be great for your relationship, but the real reward lies in strengthening your sense of self. And that’s what matters most, right?
